Unexpected Turn of Events.

I went in for my AFI (Amniotic Fluid Index), NST (non-stress) and OB appointment today. The ultrsound tech had about a million ultrasounds to do today, so she pulled me in for the AFI before Ray even got there. So she started me
asuring my fluid levels and she was talking about there needing to be a level of at least 5, and her first few measurements weren't great... but ended up as 8 total. Okay, I said. Still head down?

No, she said. It's breech.
What!? This baby was head down on WEDNESDAY, and had been for WEEKS. So my mind is racing. I know this means c-section. I know this changes EVERYTHING in my mind. Frank breech she confirms. 45 seconds or so.. don't see anything except fluid pockets and the outline of baby's head, and the u/s is over, and they're moving me on to the NST room, Ray still isn't there. The nurse is trying to hook me up to the machine, and baby is moving everywhere, but she can't seem to find the heartbeat (probably because she's trying to put the monitor over baby's head, thinking that's where baby's back should be). She had to get another nurse (the one I like) to help her, and between the two of us (the other nurse and I) we get the heartbeat and Ray finally shows. He's all disappointed he missed the ultrasound and I give him the news about the breech baby and what I expect that to mean.

He's good about it... supportive, telling me he'll take more time off work if he needs to, telling me everything will be fine... etc. etc. He asks me if I'm okay and I tell him that I'm really sad. Sad? Why are you sad? Well, I know that I'm mourning the loss of the birth experience I thought I was going to have: normal spontaneous vaginal delivery, unmedicated. I'm mourning the loss of the recovery and after-birth experience I thought I was going to have. But how do you explain that. So finally I said I'm scared. Which is also true. I'm also finding myself a little mad. Feels like the full grief process!

NST went well, baby was moving around a TON, and heart rate was looking good. I had a few very mild contractions that I couldn't even feel. Then we went to another room to meet with the doc. I hear him outside the door talking to one of the nurses .... okay, because Sara has been here forever... where's her scan?.... Breech? Oh Crap!

So in he walks, and sighs. So much for me asking him about the possible gall bladder symptoms I thought I might have had over the weekend, I think I have my answer: this baby was MOVING. He lays me back to see how mobile the baby is, given that I have "enough" fluid, but not a ton. Not particularly movable when he wrenches on it. So we talk about breech delivery. Well, they're riskier, but they can be done in the right circumstances. I've done them. I used to do them, but haven't done one in 5 years. You can go ahead and look and see if you can find someone who will do one for you, you won't hurt my feelings. Last breech delivery I did, the outcome was great for mother and baby, but I still got pulled up in front of the board because it wasn't the "standard of care."

So we discuss why baby may have turned: a discussion about whether or not there might be something wrong, or if it's this child's temperament. Anatomy ultrasound was clear at 20 weeks, so we don't expect anything wrong (they often look for birth defects or hydrocephalus - the latter being easily ruled out). Then we talk about ECV (external cephalic version), in which the uterus is relaxed by an epidural, and then the doc tries to move the baby into the correct position externally, with assistance from ultrasound. The procedure is painful, a little risky and has about a 50/50 rate of success, and doesn't necessarily mean the baby will stay that way. We talk about the fact that having an ECV means I'm on standby for a c-section, and best case would be induction as soon as the baby flips. Or we could go ahead and schedule a c/s. Or we could see if this baby happens to move and maybe induce if it does. but if baby flips again, it'll be c/s. He tells me he suspects I would want to try for the version, just to give myself the chance for a vaginal delivery. I'm too overwhelmed to even make the decision, and he tells me that I look like I'm handling it pretty well... at which point I start to loose it and tell him I'm petrified.

So he tells us Okay, come back tomorrow. Go home and process, and we'll figure it out tomorrow. If you go into labor, or if you think the baby turns head down, call. If I have to have this decision made for me, then I think I'd rather go sooner rather than later, since the Ray's folks are here this week (hoping to have seen the baby, but taking care of Maia in the mean time).

Doc says he'll call labor & delivery and see when we can book the version, and we'll talk about it tomorrow. As I'm leaving the office, he yells to me from the break room where he's on the phone with the hospital: Only available time this week is FRIDAY at 3:30 pm. Ugh. In-laws are leaving on Saturday. Okay. So it's Friday at 3:30 for the version (if we decide to try it) or scheduled c-section unless I go into labor prior, and then he'll do a c-section when I get to the hospital in labor.

I know this isn't the end of the world and that everyone is going to tell me that what's most important is healthy mom and healthy baby, but I am so sad and scared and I can't wrap my head around this. I've spent all this time educating myself about natural child birth, and I although I had a few minor complications with my previous delivery (hemorrhage and meconium aspiration), I've been so looking forward to having this one go just as well or better because I know my body can do it. I know what the risks of c-section are. I know this changes my plan for recovery. And I know that all those things could have happened anyway, and that maybe I'm lucky because as least I know about it ahead of time. But it doesn't change my need to grieve.